love is all I have to give

I have been battling with this world against all the odds, I have tried everything possible to come back out into the surface. I feel like somehow while I was too busy fighting to survive I most have overlooked part of my life, I find myself crying more than before, I have more trouble sleeping and financially I am pretty screwed. I left the state where all the bad memories are, I figured I could leave them behind and move on with my life never to look back again, but instead I find myself going back and recreating all the nightmares to find out where did I leave my love? I am having a problem loving, caring, communicating, understanding why is it so hard, I know why, it is because of him, my abuser, he has stopped me from loving anyone, although he is not here or knows my where abouts he still hunts me.

I have tried to get stronger but instead I feel bitter, I am afraid to share my love, I might not have a lot of money anymore but my mortgage is always paid, all the bills are on time and not leftovers for dinner have been served. I keep on top of my children's education and all their needs are being met. They have no complains, the only thing they have to say is where has my love gone? why am I so hard to reach lately? Why am I afraid to love? I love my kids but I cant love anyone else, I do have a lot of love to give I just don't feel I could take another deception. I was abused by my husband, I was hurt so badly that I still have some of that fear in me, I just realized that every time someone attempt to get close to me I end up pushing them away. I have been single for the past 7 years. I think is time to try, but I am so afraid.

I want to end this, I found some one who I like very much, I feel he is right for me, we have been talking for six months, but I known him for a lot more time than that, he knows all about my abuse, all about my nightmares, everything there is to know about me, he has declared his love for me, and I am scared. I don't know what to do. My kids like him very much he is good with them and has been a great help with my son, and my daughter, he has never been married, and I don't know if that is a good thing or not, he is about 8 yrs older than me, I know he is a hard working man, respectful, funny, and creative, he has great qualities, I have been friends with his sister for over 15 years, and i know that maybe this is the time to find out if I still have any love left in me to give. I have not gone on a date with him yet, I have been prolonging it (for six months)maybe its time to let the fear go, Does anyone think is possible that I can love again? would it work for me? I have no clue. Can some one give me some advise. Thank you, Until the next blog.

yours truly,

Jeannette